My Other Girlfriend

I can’t tell you how many times it’s happened. Inevitably it becomes friction. It doesn’t matter if it’s running, skiing, or riding. I don’t exercise “for fun,” I train. I go out with a purpose because it’s what I do. Some people need exercise itself to stay sane. I need a plan. Even if the plan for the day is to not train at all. Sticking to that plan is what makes me feel the best. Makes me feel accomplished. Gives my fragile ego purchase. And inevitably she can’t handle it. I’ve still never successfully staved off this confrontation. It’s rarely a deal breaker, but it’s always a point of contention. “I feel like I’m competing for your attention with another girlfriend. And that girlfriend is running.”

It doesn’t make me feel good, this conversation. Is she right? Am I running from commitment, from maturity? I’ve obviously hurt her, hurt her sense of importance to me in her eyes. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I run to be the best version of me, which I believe I owe her. We end up having a conversation about how priorities are fluid, and that she is one. And so is running. But it’s never satisfied. Always an itch she’ll want to scratch when tensions rise. A knife she can put in my side when I’ve hurt her. And damned if I don’t keep giving her that knife.